It is a game you can't win. I believe they must have been the originators of Playing Dumb. When it is convenient for them, they are suddenly not capable of anything and completely unknowing of any facts relating to whatever you are talking about. Only moments ago, they were experts on every imaginable subject; wondering why their opinions were not published. Now, they are looking at you with dull eyes and all they can say is "I dunno".
This is where you disengage. Just give them that knowing smirk of yours and walk away without a comment--without ceremony. Nothing you say or do is going to change this posture right now.
Playing Dumb. It is a game. One of many in their bag of tricks. If you think of everything a Narcissist does as a game, it will start to make sense to you. Then, like a coach, you can call for a huddle, identify the current strategy in play, and plan your next move. When in doubt, Punt.
Seriously. It is a mistake to ever think of your narcissist as human. No matter what they are doing, or saying, how sweet they might be acting, it is not real. Say this out loud: EVERY SINGLE THING THEY DO IS CALCULATED. THEIR CALCULATIONS HAVE ONE GOAL: CONTROL. Everything is calculated for maximum manipulation. Unless and until you believe this, you will remain in their control. You will respond to their manipulation exactly as they expected. Why? Because they CONTROL you.
So, what do you do? Every time their antics evoke a reaction in you, they win. They love watching you on the roller coaster. They create the ups and the downs. Your reaction is their reward. By reacting, you are knocked off balance. Keeping you off balance is a good thing. A balanced YOU is not a good thing; not for them. While it is true they will orchestrate their actions for your reactions any time they want, you can be assured of it if you are happily engaged in something that brings you pleasure and, heaven forbid, a sense of accomplishment. If something you are doing is not about them, for them, or to them, then it does not serve them. Therefore, it must stop. I will give you an example:
My narcissist came home from work one day to find me happily refinishing an old shipping trunk I picked up at a yard sale. I had made a lot of progress on it and shared my plans for a whimsical paint job on it. He looked at me, looked at the trunk and walked away. I went right back to what I was doing. Within minutes, he was on the front deck, opened the front door and hollered to me from the front door. This was strategic because I was two rooms away. He hollers, "Hey, Terry! Who started a fire on your new deck?" Strategic because I had just built that deck and was quite pleased with it. The declaration of "Fire!" strategically speaking, will render more reaction than say...I dunno...spilled fruit punch. Sure enough, his statement did not just stop me from what I was doing, it required me to walk away from what I was doing. When I get to the door, he points out a small burn spot in one of the deck boards near the front door. It wasn't there earlier. And I was pretty sure he had to have just done that. In the split second it took to look up at him from the burn spot, the whole "keeping me off balance" scenario played out in my head, complete with knowing that I could not react in any way shape or form to the manipulation I was smack in the center of, AND coming up with a non-reactive response. I shrugged my shoulders in the way that says, Oh well, and said, Hey, come tell me which color you like best for the edges as I calmly returned to what I was doing.
That did not go as he planned. Only because I had just been made aware of the tactic. Had he done it even a few days earlier, he'd have gotten exactly what he expected. Whose off balance now, Brah?! I was pleased that once informed, I could see it in play. Yay!
My point is this: Informed decisions over non-informed reactions, are better for you. You only need to learn to recognize the strategy in play and know when and why they do it. You are not engaging in game playing with them, you are learning to disarm them. When you know their tactics and the pathetic reasons they employ them, they no longer hold their destructive powers.
Join me as the next 13 posts on this blog uncover their 13 favorite tactics for knocking you off balance. I welcome your comments and sharing in your own lived experiences. Until next time....
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