The Phases

The Tactics

1. Love Bombing (Idealization)

This has nothing to do with Love and Affection. It has everything to do with getting you to fall in love with them.  

Love bombing feels intoxicating, but it is strategic—it creates emotional dependency quickly.  That is the goal in Phase 1.  It usually lasts 90 days or less.

 

2. Devaluation

Once the narcissist senses you’re invested, they start chipping away at your self-worth.

The fake future they gave is taken back.  It will never happen now and it is all your fault. You are the one who ruined everything.  You begin trying harder, giving more.  It is all about them. 

3. Discard

They will create a problem for you to be very concerned about just to Ghost you when you need them most.  They will do it suddenly and cruelly.  You will find that they have turned everyone against you.  You will be isolated and deprived of basic needs.  If you leave they find you.  If they come back,  they'll fall to the floor in a fetal position saying, "I made a terrible mistake".  Crying.  Head in hands.  Lots of promises.  It is all fake all over again.

4. Hoovering

When the narcissist senses you’re moving on, they attempt to pull you back in.  It's love bomb all over again. Only twice as much for half as long.

Hoovering isn’t love any more than Love Bombing was—it’s reclamation.  It's still strategic.  The more times they can do this, the deeper the trauma bond
You are an object they own now. 

  • Intense, fast intimacy (“You’re my soulmate,” “I’ve never felt this way”)

  • Excessive compliments, constant contact

  • Mirroring your values, interests, dreams

  • Future faking (planning a life they never intend to deliver)

  • Portraying themselves as a victim of all past relationships (“You’re the only one who understands me”)

 

  • subtle criticisms that escalate over time

  • silent treatments (their favorite)

  • emotional volatility (Narcissistic Rage)

  • gaslighting (you are imagining things)

  • manipulation disguised as concern

  • withholding affection or approval

  • shifting blame

  • "You are crazy" is the go to response now.

 

 

  • cheating

  • ghosting

  • explosive fights

  • accusing you of everything they’re doing

  • minimizing the entire relationship

  • Isolation and Deprivation
  • Listen for If...then statements.

 

 

 

  • apologies with no accountability

  • sudden nostalgia

  • “I’ve changed”

  • fake crises (“I’m sick,” “I need you,” “I’m suicidal”)

  • triangulation (“My new partner isn’t you…”)

  • using children, pets, finances, or property as leverage.