The Phases of Narcissistic Abuse
What is important to remember here is that narcissists are not authentic people. Every thing they do, everything they say, is for the purpose of Contol and Manipulation. From the very beginning their plan is to destroy you. No one is exempt. Make no mistake about it. This is phase 1 of a cycle that is designed to destroy you.
Phase 1 of the narcissistic abuse pattern:
Notice the puppet.
It is upright and standing firm.
You see the strings indicating that manipulation is in play.
Soon the puppet will be dependent on those strings.
Love Bombing
Also known as Idealization. The abuse begins after attachment is secured. This phase serves that purpose. Without it, many victims would leave immediately, So, they act very quickly here. They ask questions and absorb every detail of your answers. You think they are being attentive listeners because they are truly interested in you. You are right. Just not for the reasons you think. They listen and then mirror everything right back to you. You mention your favorite band and, "Oh my gosh!" that is their favorite band, to! You explain how you feel about a subject. They say, "Exactly!" Before long you hear statements like, "It is crazy how much we are alike" and "I have never met anyone like you". You feel understood. You feel seen. Everything is going according to their plan. They create a pedestal for you and gladly take your seat on top. And the sex! Forget about it! It feels too good to be true. It is. You already told him how you like it. That, too, is just being mirrored back to you. You are in a season of love that you never knew was possible. Bliss abounds.
Then comes Future Faking. It is another tactic. They talk of places the two of you will go, the things you will do. This is a very important marker. It is put into play for the sole purpose of taking it away. That happens in the next phase; about two months from now. If you are lucky, you'll have two months of perceived and, unbeknownst to you, manufactured bliss.
Phase 2 of the narcissistic abuse pattern
Devaluation.
Also known as Dismantling. For you, this comes from out of nowhere. Literally.
Nothing has happened that would cause a shift. Well, you are about to find out, that a lot of has happened; even though it did not really happen. Furthermore, it is all your fault.
These two tactics are Gas Lighting and Blame Shifting.
But you don't know that. You scramble to defend yourself and make them understand.
They continue chipping away at your self- worth. "You are pathetic." "No wonder nobody likes you."
You try to reason with them. It'll never work.
You are sad now. They see that and they throw you a bone. They do something nice for you. Maybe they take you out; ask you to go with them to a friend's house. You feel redemption but it is just another tactic; the famous narcissist
Whatever nice thing they do, is done for one reason--so they can take it away.
The systematic dismantling of you will be the only life you know for a long time now. There are many other tactics to deploy before they firmly establish your breaking point. They must be certain of this before moving on to the next phase.
Notice the puppet. Some strings appear to be broken; causing the puppet to falter a little bit
Phase 3 of narcissistic abuse pattern
The puppet is devasted. Severed strings have allowed it to fall to the floor. Watch out, puppet! they might kick you while you are down.
Discard
Also known as Ghosting.
Every little crisis you have had since meeting them, has likely been orchestrated by them.
They create a problem so that they can be the solution to your problem.
This tactic is called Staging.
It is used to deepen your dependence.
This phase requires them to bump up their game. They create a new crisis. One significant enough to cause you worry and fear if it is not dealt with.
Once staged; the threats to your wellbeing clearly established, they leave.
Without a word. Without ceremony. They go Ghost. They do not answer calls or texts. Nobody you know is answering calls or texts.
Prior to this, if you were even "allowed" to have a car, they made sure to disable it a few days ago. You must not be allowed to go anywhere. They probably had an excuse for not going grocery shopping. That is why they brought you take-out for the last couple of days. The dogs are even out of food.
These tactics, known as Isolation and Deprivation add new layers to your distress.
The first discard is seldom the final discard.
They will come back. Expect a minimum of four days to a week--maybe two.
Asking for an explanation will only cause you more pain.
If you would stop making life there so miserable for them, they would not have to leave. They did not have clean clothes, and they had to sleep in their car or on people's couches.
They are the victim here. And you are the one abusing them. You should be thanking them for coming back. I am a "Good Person!" they declare. Everybody agrees-- anyone would be lucky to have me!"
You are wondering where the heck this came from.
It came from the annals of a little tactic called Projection with a twist of Triangulation
They shower and go Ghost again.
Phase 4 of narcissistic abuse pattern
Hoovering
Whether they discard you, or you decide you have had enough. You have been apart too long.
It's time to suck you back in so the cycle can repeat.
Round two will provide a very tiny dose of Love Bombing. You will think a bomb dropped when the shift into punishment returns. Not yet familiar with the tactics used to keep you off balance, you do not see that your present is a rerun from your recent past.
Whatever promises they made you, are lies. They step up their game across the board now; emboldened by a new level of coersive control and psychological manipulation. They will push you to new levels with all the same tactics as before.
You have chosen to find comfort and security in familiarity. For that, you shall pay. And pay.
You are, according to one statistic, going to repeat this cycle 7 more times. Always searching and wanting a way out but never finding it. Your identity, the person you were at the onset of the serial abuse, is eroded. Erasure is the risk that hovers. The combined effects of the coersive control tactics used have left you incapable of taking actionable steps to regain autonomy. The financial devastation has removed the usual options. You do not know where to look for help because you cannot even explain what has been done to you. So, you suffer in silence. Liberation is an unreachable star.
Notice the puppet. There is only one string now. Puppet is reaching up for it as if it were a lifeline.
This indicates that the Trauma Bond is now the primary force at work.